Shifting focus from approval to understanding consequences
Core Idea: Teaching children to focus on how their actions affect others, rather than seeking praise for "good" behavior, develops intrinsic motivation and genuine moral reasoning.
Key Elements
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Problems with Praise-Focused Approaches:
- Creates dependence on external validation
- Shifts focus from impact on others to adult approval
- Reduces intrinsic motivation for prosocial behavior
- Establishes conditional framework for acceptance
- May decrease rather than increase desired behaviors long-term
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Impact Awareness Alternative:
- Draws attention to effects of actions on others
- Highlights natural consequences rather than arbitrary rewards
- Develops empathy through perspective-taking
- Builds internal moral compass rather than compliance
- Supports authentic rather than performative generosity
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Implementation Techniques:
- Replace "I'm proud of you for sharing" with "Look how happy your friend is now"
- Use "how do you think they felt when..." questions instead of "good job" statements
- Describe observed behaviors and effects rather than evaluating them
- Encourage reflection on others' experiences rather than focusing on the child's virtue
- Model noticing impacts in your own interactions
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Research Support:
- Children develop stronger prosocial tendencies when adults highlight consequences for others
- Even toddlers show increased empathy when caregivers explain victim's perspectives
- Impact-focused communication produces more sustainable behavioral changes
- Children develop stronger internal moral reasoning with this approach
Connections
- Related Concepts: Intrinsic vs Extrinsic Motivation (theoretical foundation), Perspective Taking in Parenting (supporting skill)
- Broader Context: Moral Development in Children (broader framework)
- Applications: Raising Empathetic Children (practical goal)
- Components: Value Communication to Children (complementary approach)
References
- Kohn, A. (2005). Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason.
- Kohn, A. (1999). Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes.
#praise #intrinsic-motivation #empathy #parenting #kohn
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